The Tiger Mother vs Western Mother

Amy Chua and Her Daughters (source : The Wall Street Journal)

It's more than interesting to read Amy Chua's essay, "Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior", published in The Wall Street Journal on Saturday, January 8, 2011. The essay which has generated a storm of debate especially in the United States is actually an excerpt from Amy Chua's book "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother". The writing itself brings an issue of parenting in such a provoking way that leads us into cursing or thinking--depends of how we want to see it.

For many people, stereotyping is just an easy way of evaluating others.We just pick what's seen or heard as a general rule, then 'bingo!' it's like we know everything and everyone with just one glance. We've often heard that the westerners are too free-minded, Japanese are stoic, all Germans are Nazis and Indonesians are stupid, live in the woods and cannot operate the washing machine (seriously, someone there in the USA once thought we all wear Koteka and still make fire from stones. God give her a television!). We all know stereotyping is not fair--especially since we know half of the Indonesians are spending time strolling in the shopping malls and not building a hut in the jungle just now. But just like Ryan Bingham in the movie Up In The Air says,"It's faster."

So what if stereotyping is brought to the parenting issue?

Chua herself might imply that she's not directly stereotyping. She wrote in her essay that she uses the term "Chinese Mothers" loosely. It is actually a phrase to call parents who have very strict method to raise their children, thus making the kids brightest academically. In contrast, the term "Western Mothers", is  also loosely used to call parents who aren't even close to the Chinese Mothers.

In reasoning her arguments, Chua brings her own children, Sophia and Lulu, as example. In the beggining of her writing, she listed some of the things her daughters were never allowed to do; which includes attending a sleepover,  having a playdate, participating in the schoolplay, complaining of not being in the schoolplay, even choosing their own extracurricular activities. And what is the result of all this Chinese Mothers' method of educating the her girls' young minds? A beautiful young lady who debuted at the Carnegie Hall with her amazing piano skill.

Chua said the western parents think they're strict enough to the kids while in fact they aren't at all. When Chinese mothers are pushing their children to their limits--even if it means being mean or cruel, the western worry too much that they would hurt the children's feeling. Western kids are give too much freedom--not to mention that their parents might be just lazy, Chinese kids are given a set of goals they have to achieve. Chinese kids can't have boyfriend in high school, western kids are freely allowed to date.Chinese parents are able to call their kids 'garbage', western parents are too afraid to scratch their children's self esteem.

Seriously, you have to read her article to know more. And be ready to hold your breath as you read along--especially on the part when Chua rejecting her daughter's happy-birthday card only because she thought it wasn't good enough.

Many responses have arisen since the essay itself appeared. Just like any other debate issue, some agree and some do not. Everyone has their stand and arguments. As I'm writing this, there have been around 7000 comments on the article page in wjs.com. There are also lots of response article in various media--and actually you're reading one of them.

To be honest, Chua's article is intriguing. I'm not a parent--and not going to be one soon, but at least it made me think.

Is it true that we have to push our children to the limit, even if it requires us to be like some psychopathic Chinese mothers who couldn't accept any failure?

Chua's experience is perhaps an excellent example of a Chinese mother successful parenting. Not only producing straight As students, but amazing pianist and violin player. Frankly speaking, I happen to have a friend which is Chinese and her mother is--let's just say--a typical Chinese mother we are talking here. When we were in elementary school, she has very little free time. At home, she has to constantly study or help her parents at their family store. Her mother didn't let her go out just for fun. Perfect score at any exam and top ranking at every semester is a must. If she fought or talked back to her mother, she would get beaten which led to a heartbreaking cry. I only witnessed some of those yet had a bad dream about them. She was actually one of the best students back then, but I couldn't imagine living life like her.

Seeing those examples, we might think that maybe Chinese mother's method is trully effective. Who wouldn't want their kids to be the brightest at school? Being praised for academic performance are satisfying for most of us and we smile whenever the teacher says our kids are smart.

But is it only the academic performance which rates the parenting itself? Or maybe the speech about 'every child is unique in their own way' and 'learning must be fun' are just a bunch of bullshits all along?

This is the most interesting part.

What is the parameter of successful parenting?

In my opinion, there's none. Some want their children to be the top of the class, some demand good attitudes, some encourage their kids to be happy, some just want it all. Do you want your kid to be the president of student body, a wealthy businessman, or whatever you kid loves to be--even if it's a mad scientist or weird abstract painter? It's all up to you.

It sounds cliche, but you really can't set the same standard for everyone.

I agree on Chua's point of view of discipline. Persistency is a good thing and hardwork is very important. Nothing can be achieved by little effort and for everything there's a price we have to pay. But then how we apply it to our children what's more important.

Chua might be lucky. Her daughter have such a great personality that they didn't get mad enough to hang themselves in the bathroom. Or maybe it's also Chua's method that they didn't run to Kak Seto which might have done by any unstable Indonesian celebrity teenager. Chua's daughter even say that she's thankful to her mother and likes the way her mom raised her.

But not everyone can fully accept these Chinese mothers method. And it's very crucial to see what fits our children the best. Maybe sometimes we should push our kids to try harder. But I guess letting them blistering out in the cold just because they don't do their homework or refuse to keep practicing piano is not acceptable to some extent.

Sophia and Lulu might be bright because a persistent support from their mother. But no one tell Bill Joy to spend nights and days in front of the computer when he's young yet he's the founder of Sun Microsystem. Once again, there's no single method better than the other. It's all about what fits.

So far, I found an essay by Ayalet Waldman, "In the Defense of Guilty, Ambivalent, Preoccupied Western Mom", also featured in The Wall Street Journal to be the best response. She claimed to do very opposite actions toward the children--allowing them to do the things Chua may consider as deathly sins--yet they're happy and doing well in their own way. She doesn't point out and say that the Chinese mothers method is entirely wrong. She even gave thanks to Chua for making the article since it made her children read the newspaper. There's just specific needs for every family and situation.

She said in her essay,"...Roaring like a tiger turns some children into pianists who debut at Carnegie Hall but only crushes others. Coddling gives some the excuse to fail and others the chance to succeed. Amy Chua and I both understand that our job as mothers is to be the type of tigress that each of our different cubs needs." Honestly, I can't agree more. Chua herself admitted,"Don't get me wrong: It's not that Chinese parents don't care about their children. Just the opposite. They would give up anything for their children. It's just an entirely different parenting model." Apart from the methods used, Chua and Waldman are just mothers who think the best for their children.

By looking at this issue, I hope Indonesian parents would be wiser in the future. We're not here to stereotype and I believe Chua wasn't trying to do so. I also believe we have our own set of values which will do well for our kids. But nothing's wrong to put Chinese mothers and westerns method for consideration, since we could find what's best for us.

Luckily, my mom had the best way to raise me. She might be not that Chinese mother. She let me do what I like, didn't scold me, allowed me to play games until night, and never locked me in the room to study. Remember my friend I mentioned earlier? With her mom's method, she might be one of the best students at school. But I guess I might have to say proudly, I was the top of the best in our class back then and she never beat me. :)